The Knigge, in English
On Getting Along With People
updated January 2025
by Chris Knigge
PRACTICAL PHILOSOPHY OF SOCIAL LIFE
or
THE ART OF CONVERSING WITH MEN
CHAPTER I - General Rules and Observations
In social life, how we present our abilities and achievements plays a crucial role in how others perceive us. This idea has stood the test of time, and it’s a concept that could fill an entire book on how to navigate different social situations. History has shown us again and again that those who boast with confidence, even if their claims aren’t entirely true, often shape the opinions of others.
Take, for example, someone who brags about their connections with influential people. Even if these connections aren’t real, many will take their word for it, giving them attention and possibly even some benefits based on the perceived importance of their relationships.
This phenomenon also applies to people with limited knowledge but confident opinions. Those who speak assertively often discourage others, especially those who know more, from challenging them. It’s this dynamic that can elevate individuals who may lack true expertise, allowing them to become influential in certain circles.
Artists, writers, and musicians have long understood this principle. Foreign artists, for example, can command exorbitant prices for their work, not necessarily because it’s superior in quality, but because their established reputation precedes them. Often, these artists rely on local artisans to carry out the actual work but still claim it as their own, capitalizing on the perception of exclusivity and expertise.
Writers employ a similar strategy. By subtly suggesting in their prefaces that renowned scholars or experts encouraged or even insisted they publish their work, they create an illusion of authority that attracts readers. In reality, these claims might be entirely fabricated, but they effectively craft a sense of credibility and prestige.
Musicians, too, understand the power of reputation. Often, a musician’s ability to sell out venues or command high fees is less about their talent and more about their name recognition. Some artists may hire other musicians to perform or even help compose their works, yet still, their name is what attracts the crowd. Much like artists and writers, musicians build a reputation that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, where the belief in their greatness fuels their success.
This principle also shapes everyday social interactions. People who ask for favors or protection with confidence are often more likely to receive a positive response than those who approach cautiously or humbly. The world tends to reward boldness and assertiveness.
But while this principle benefits those who exaggerate, there’s an important lesson here for those who prefer honesty. We can’t rely on bragging or falsehoods to gain respect. Instead, the best approach is to present ourselves in the best possible light without lying or over-promising. Subtlety can often work better than arrogance. By demonstrating our abilities through our actions and maintaining humility, we can gain respect without feeling the need to oversell ourselves. It's all about finding the right balance between showing our strengths and staying authentic—avoiding both excessive boasting and unnecessary modesty.
Always aim for improvement. However, be careful not to appear as if you are flawless or never make mistakes. People judge you based on how you present yourself, and sometimes it's even a good thing if they don't assume you have qualities you don't actually possess. Otherwise, if you make even a small mistake, others might react strongly. People who feel inferior to you often feel better about themselves when they find a flaw in someone they see as better than them. So, they might criticize you more harshly for a small error than they would someone else for a series of foolish actions or dishonesty.
Stay true to yourself and be consistent in your actions. If you're behaving in the right way, you shouldn't worry too much about the criticism or judgment from others. It's not worth much to display a collection of outward virtues if you're hiding a negative and unkind character beneath that surface. Putting on a façade of goodness only to impress people is not valuable at all. Your genuine inner qualities matter more than any external show.
Don't lose faith in yourself, your belief in God, your trust in good people, or your hope in luck. When your face shows discontent and hopelessness, even your friends may leave you. Yet, it's worth noting that those facing misfortune often unfairly judge others and tend to misunderstand any signs of distance or indifference. This happens because they think everyone can see their suffering and wants to avoid helping them.
If you're treated kindly or given attention in social settings because of your association with a notable person, don't become arrogant about it. Instead, be humble and recognize that your treatment might be different without that connection. Aim to earn respect for your own qualities. It's much better to stand out with your own abilities, even if it's in a less prominent position, rather than being seen as a reflection of someone else's greatness or a follower of another's lead.
Share your troubles and hardships even if you're facing adversity or need help. But do so only with someone you're sure can find relief, such as your closest friend or your spouse. Few people are truly capable and willing to lighten your burden; many may only make it heavier. In fact, some might avoid you if they see misfortune, and everyone might leave if they think you have no solutions or support left...
Don't concern yourself with the actions of others unless they directly relate to you or have a moral significance that demands your voice. Why should you care about someone's walking pace, sleep habits, time spent at home, choice of clothing, beverage preferences, financial habits, or personal relationships? Focus on what truly matters, and remember that sometimes straightforward information comes best from those who convey it without clever embellishments or intentional distortions—often found in the narratives of straightforward individuals.
Never abandon your principles when you are convinced they are just. Making exceptions can be dangerous and lead to compromises you didn't intend. If you've decided, after careful thought, not to lend books or limit your wine intake, for example, stick to those decisions even if someone close urges otherwise, as long as the original reasons for your choice still apply. Be resolute but not inflexible in trivial matters.
Consistency is crucial. Establish a life plan and deviate from it only after careful consideration of all possible scenarios. Stay true to your principles with unwavering dedication. People may initially talk about your uniqueness, but eventually, they will respect and appreciate your steadfastness. Consistent actions, like durable materials, stand the test of time. When noble actions are undervalued, it's often because the public suspects a misalignment with the person's usual behavior, highlighting the importance of maintaining consistency.
Above all, maintain a clear conscience. Avoid giving your heart any reason for reproach regarding your actions and the means you employ. Always choose straight paths, and you can trust in positive outcomes, the support of God, and assistance from good people when needed. Even if misfortune temporarily hinders you, the blissful consciousness of your good intentions and the righteousness of your heart will provide exceptional strength and comfort. Your sincere countenance will captivate others more than the artificial smiles of a villain who appears happy.
Be consistent in your behavior, regardless of the role you've chosen to play. Don't shift from being warm, civil, and obliging one day to being cool, rude, and silent the next—it's difficult and unpleasant to engage with people of such a fickle disposition. When they're in a good mood or when there's no one of higher rank or better flattery around, they treat us with utmost cordiality. We're charmed, relying on their kindness, and return a few days later for another visit to the person who was so delighted to see us. However, our reception is vastly different this time! Met with coldness and grave looks, our host leaves us in a corner, responding only briefly. It turns out, he's surrounded by sycophants who can flatter him better. I recommend gradually ending connections with such people. If they later seek your company due to a whim, receive them with dignified seriousness and subtly withdraw from their society.
Distinguish your outward behavior towards those you interact with and the attention you express. Don't shake hands with everyone or embrace all acquaintances indiscriminately. Save these gestures for your true friends, those close to your heart, and those whom you genuinely prefer and value. This way, your signs of friendship and esteem will carry more weight and meaning, reserved for those who truly matter.
Two reasons guide us against excessive openness. Firstly, the fear of revealing vulnerabilities and becoming susceptible to exploitation. Secondly, the awareness that if we make a habit of sharing all our concerns with others, they may come to expect to be informed about every trivial aspect of our lives, expecting consultation on every matter. On the other hand, excessive reserve should also be avoided. It may lead others to suspect hidden or potentially harmful motives behind our actions, resulting in unpleasant situations, especially during travel or in foreign settings. Excessive reserve can also hinder our social interactions and harm our relationships with genuine friends.
Strive to never make someone a source of ridicule in a group, regardless of their flaws. If the person is dull, mocking them won't earn you much respect; if, however, they're more astute than you presume, you might become the target. Ridiculing someone noble-hearted can hurt them deeply, and if dealing with a malicious individual, it may lead to resentment. Moreover, public opinion, if swayed by our judgments, can harm a good person's reputation or crush the ambitions and talents of a weaker individual by exposing their flaws to scorn and disgrace.
Avoid terrifying or teasing anyone, even close friends, with false reports or vexatious jokes that could cause momentary distress. Considering the numerous real challenges people face, it's our duty to alleviate, not add, to their burdens. Prudence dictates against sharing fictitious joyful news for momentary pleasure, as it can be both wrong and imprudent. Refrain from creating unnecessary mystery or tormenting others with unfinished sentences. If someone is about to commit a blunder, help them gracefully rather than letting them face unnecessary perplexity. In Social Conversation, it's generally best to minimize causing discomfort and to handle mistakes with tact and understanding.
Never forget that people desire to be amused and entertained. Even the most instructive conversation becomes wearisome if it is not occasionally seasoned with wit and good humor. While flattery is effective, it's beneath the dignity of a rational man to act as a mean jester and it is unworthy of an honest person to flatter meanly. Find a medium that praises genuinely without degrading yourself. Every person has at least one commendable quality worthy of praise. Such commendations, when spoken by a person of understanding and judgment, can inspire others to strive for greater perfection.
Avoid leaving the company of anyone without sharing something obliging or instructive in a way that doesn't offend their modesty or seem contrived. Ensure they don't feel their time spent with you is wasted, understanding that you genuinely care about their happiness. Be mindful not to indulge in idle talk and only express things that are useful or genuinely pleasant to the listener.
To garner enduring respect, refrain from consistently flavoring your conversation with slander, mockery, gossip, and sneering. Although such behaviors might provide momentary amusement, an individual who perpetually aims to entertain at the cost of others or truth will, over time, be ostracized and scorned. Those with sensitivity, emotions, and discernment ought to exercise patience for the imperfections of others, endure their shortcomings, and aspire to engage in more meaningful and constructive conversations.
It's essential not to condemn all ridicule universally, as it can effectively counteract inappropriateness and absurdity, especially in less familiar situations. However, such ridicule should be subtle, and shouldn’t allude to individual people. Don't feel compelled to applaud everything or excuse all faults, as this can lead to suspicion. Be cautious of those who cover all defects with the cloak of charity, as they may be hypocrites seeking to distract from their own wrongdoings. It's important to maintain a balance, not indulging in constant criticism but also not overly excusing faults.
As much as possible, avoid relaying anecdotes, especially those that cast others in an unfavorable light, particularly if they're based on hearsay. These anecdotes are often idle inventions, or they may have gone through numerous retellings, leading to significant exaggerations or alterations. By sharing such anecdotes, you risk seriously harming innocent and deserving individuals and, more frequently, getting yourself in a mess.
Exercise caution to avoid repeating confidential conversations from one group to another, and refrain from sharing table talk, family discussions, and observations you've made about the domestic affairs and lives of people with whom you frequently interact. Even if you don't intend to be malicious, such officious gossiping can breed mistrust and lead to considerable animosity and disharmony.
Exercise caution when criticizing and contradicting others. Most things in the world have at least two sides, and prejudices can obscure even the judgment of a wise person. It's challenging to always form a just idea of others' situations. Be especially careful not to hastily judge the actions of judicious individuals unless your modesty suggests that you are wiser than those you criticize. However, this internal sense of superiority is often suspect.
A wise person is generally more discerning, contends with more intense passions, cares little for the opinion of the multitude, and is less anxious than others to justify the purity of their motives. In all, it's wise to inquire before passing judgment on others: "What good has that person done that is useful to others?" It's advisable to overlook their minor flaws, which may be harmful to no one but themselves or, at most, cause only minor harm.
Take care not to exhaust the patience of your listeners with lengthy and tedious discourses. Embrace a certain brevity—not to the extent of affectedly speaking only in sentences and aphorisms, but rather as the art of conveying much in a few words. This involves keeping the attention alive by omitting unimportant details and rendering trifling circumstances interesting through lively narration.
There are individuals in social life who are always ready to receive but never willing to give. They desire to be entertained, instructed, served, applauded, paid, and cared for by the public without offering anything in return. They complain of being bored by the dullness of their companions without realizing that others might have the same complaint against them.
Similarly, some individuals constantly talk about themselves, their domestic concerns, relations, deeds, and official occupations. They turn every subject into a discussion about themselves and take every idea from these personal matters.
Therefore, refrain from talking excessively about yourself, especially in circles where others may not be intimately interested in your affairs. Even among close friends, avoid excessive self-focus. If the conversation turns to you, your publications, or similar topics out of courtesy, exercise modesty. In these times, modesty is a highly attractive quality and is appreciated even more when it's rare.
Ensure consistency in your conversations by avoiding contradictions, especially by endorsing a principle that you previously opposed. While it's natural to evolve and change opinions, exercising prudence involves refraining from making definitive judgments in company until you've thoroughly considered all the arguments for and against the matter at hand.
Avoid exposing yourself by repeating the same stories, anecdotes, or similes on every occasion. Cultivate a sharp memory and resist the urge to overly rely on written notes for everything you want to remember, especially in social conversations. Variety and freshness in your contributions can make your interactions more engaging and enjoyable for others.
Avoid incorporating duplicities into your conversations, and refrain from making allusions to subjects that might evoke aversion or embarrassment. Do not applaud those who engage in such discussions. Maintain your sense of shame and chastity, and express your aversion to obscenity, even if you are in the company of men. Sensible individuals appreciate conversations that are respectful and free from offensive content.
Avoid incorporating your conversations with flat, commonplace expressions. Steer clear of hackneyed assertions such as 'health is an invaluable treasure,' 'skating is a cold amusement,' or 'time passes swiftly away.' Beware of becoming a mechanical speaker who relies on certain expressions without much thought.
Avoid bombarding those you converse with useless questions. Some people structure all their conversations in a Q&A format, bombarding others with so many questions that it becomes impossible to have a meaningful conversation in a more natural manner.
Embrace the art of accepting contradiction gracefully. Avoid childish attachment to your opinions and resist the urge to become passionate or rude when your serious arguments face ridicule or jeering. Losing your composure, even if your cause is just, is a sure way to lose the chance to convince your opponent.
Refrain from discussing your domestic matters or bringing up vexing subjects in places of entertainment like the playhouse or concerts. These venues are meant for diversion and relaxation, providing a break from the cares and troubles of daily life. It is therefore inappropriate to reintroduce our daily burdens in such settings.
I believe you'll concur that an honest and sensible person won't mock essential religious doctrines, even if they happen to question their truth. However, it's crucial to note that ridiculing religious rites, ceremonies considered significant by many as parts of their faith, or human institutions held dear by certain sects is equally inappropriate. Respecting what is sacred to others and allowing them the same liberty you seek for yourself is essential. Keep in mind that what one considers mental illumination might be darkness to another. Spare the prejudices that bring peace to your weaker brethren. Offer something better rather than taking from someone. Remember that ridicule seldom convinces others, our reason can easily err in such important matters, and attempting to overturn a defective system might inadvertently bring down the entire moral structure. Above all, such topics are unsuitable for discussion in mixed company.
In our era, there seems to be a studious avoidance of discussing religion. Some shy away from expressing a warm regard for divine worship, fearing accusations of intellectual deficiency. Others pretend to embrace religious sentiments, refraining from speaking against fanaticism to please the devout. Both attitudes, whether driven by fear or hypocrisy, are equally unbecoming of an honest person.
Whenever you discuss bodily, mental, moral, or other defects, or share anecdotes that cast certain principles in a ridiculous light or reflect blame on particular social ranks, be careful to ensure that no one present could be offended. Avoid ridiculing a person's shape, features, or appearance, as no mortal has the power to alter them.
It is distressing for someone with a unique countenance or figure to realize that it becomes an object of ridicule or surprise. Even among individuals familiar with the world and who have interacted with people of all forms and shapes, there are those, particularly among the female part, who lack self-control or possess indifferent notions of decorum and equity, unable to conceal their reaction to an unusual sight. This, however, reveals great weakness. Considering the relativity of our notions of beauty and deformity, the precariousness of our physiognomical knowledge, and the frequent coexistence of a beautiful heart and a great mind with an apparently unconventional form, it's evident how unjust we are to draw injurious inferences from external appearances.
Moreover, there are other objects, such as ridiculous and absurd manners, body distortions, imprudent conduct, or peculiar dress, that may strike us. Good breeding requires us not to express our astonishment at these singularities through sarcastic smiles or signs to those present, as it would only increase the confusion of the person involved.
If you need to speak to your friend about a person present (though generally, whispering is highly improper), take the precaution not to look or point at the individual you're discussing. Similarly, if you find yourself in a situation where others are discussing you at a distance, prudence dictates that you avoid turning your gaze in that direction. People listen with their ears, not their eyes, and maintaining discretion in such situations is wise.
Be cautious not to bring up unpleasant matters without a necessity to do so. Some individuals, driven by imprudent curiosity, inquire about our economic or other unpleasant circumstances, even when they can be of no assistance, forcing us to dwell on matters we'd rather forget in social settings where we seek enjoyment. This behavior is highly inappropriate, imprudent, and, if not certain to provide comfort, can be cruel. Avoid prejudicing people against something they possess and cannot easily change, and refrain from making negative representations of their situation. Some individuals undermine innocent prejudices, robbing others of their comfort. This is unbecoming and can lead to lamentable consequences.
When someone shares disagreeable things or embarrasses another, refrain from participating or showing approval through smiles. Instead, act as if you haven't heard it. Such noble conduct is often felt and appreciated.
I will delve into the custom of speaking in paradoxes, the spirit of contrasting and disputing, and the practice of quoting the opinions of others in a subsequent chapter of the second volume, to which I direct my readers.
Secrecy is a virtue often lacking in contemporary life. In our times, individuals can be remarkably dishonest in their promises, even breaking the most solemn assurances and oaths without hesitation to reveal secrets entrusted to them. Others, though less unscrupulous, are heedless, unable to restrain their loquacity and, out of imprudence, share important secrets in public places. These individuals, thoughtless about their own secrets and plans, end up harming their temporal happiness and undermining their best intentions.
The damage caused by imprudent disclosure of secrets, both our own and others', is evident. There are also matters that, while not exactly secrets, reason dictates would be better concealed than divulged since their communication is neither useful nor instructive and can be harmful to someone. I recommend a prudent reserve, avoiding, however, descending into ridiculous mysteriousness. It's worth noting that, in general, people tend to be more reserved in despotic states due to fear and mistrust, whereas in countries with more freedom, individuals often freely share their ideas.
The French call it "contenance" — that balance, harmony, and consistency in our external conduct. Equanimity, abstaining from violence, passionate heat, and precipitation, should be a particular focus for those of a more volatile temperament.
The art of expressing ourselves concisely, clearly, and with energy is a talent that can be acquired only through study and close application. We must study our person, have command over our countenance, avoid unnatural distortions of the face, and adjust our gestures to maintain a noble posture. When speaking on unimportant subjects, it's improper to put our head, arms, and limbs in motion like those of the lowest class. In conversation, we should look at others mildly and modestly, avoiding unnecessary fidgeting.
There are additional social improprieties and incongruities that we should avoid. Consider the consequences if everyone in the company were to take the same liberty:
These seemingly trivial actions can affect the atmosphere of a gathering and make conversation less pleasant. It's essential to refrain from looking into others' papers, avoid staying alone in a room with valuable items, and respect the privacy of conversations. If you notice two people ahead of you conversing quietly, making some noise can prevent the perception of eavesdropping and spare them from discomfort. While these may seem like small acts of discretion, they contribute to a more enjoyable and relaxed social environment.
We often find ourselves fatigued and irritated by the tedious and lengthy conversations of those we encounter. In such situations, reason, prudence, and charity demand that we exercise patience, especially if avoiding these individuals is not possible. It is crucial not to express our displeasure through rudeness or insulting behavior. When faced with a dull conversation, particularly if the speaker is excessively talkative, we have the freedom to redirect our thoughts to more engaging subjects. However, even if that's not an option, we should recognize how many hours we spend idly daydreaming. Moreover, we owe it to the social groups we engage with to make some sacrifices, acknowledging that, like others, we might inadvertently tire people with our own discourses, regardless of our perception of their significance.
Some individuals naturally excel in conversing with others, effortlessly forming new connections and earning the good opinion of those they meet. On the other hand, some struggle with a persistent timidity and shyness, even in the presence of new faces. This timidity can often be attributed to a flawed or inadequate upbringing, and at times, it may stem from an underlying vanity that makes individuals fear appearing less than impressive. For many, this shyness in the company of strangers seems ingrained, persisting despite efforts to overcome it.
The ability to converse easily, make a positive impression upon first meetings, and engage effortlessly with strangers, discerning the appropriate topics to introduce, are qualities that warrant dedicated cultivation. It's crucial, however, that this skill doesn't transform into the kind of impudence and forwardness characteristic of adventurers who, within an hour, might learn the life stories of an entire company and eagerly share their own exploits. There's an art to adapting to the tone of unfamiliar circles without veering into intrusive behaviors, offering unsolicited friendships, or proposing services and protection to those encountered for the first time. In conversation, the key lies in seamlessly aligning with the prevailing atmosphere, contributing elements that are valued and understood within the specific social context.
It is imperative, therefore, that you do not carry excessive expectations into every social circle you enter. Prudence dictates that you shouldn't anticipate being the central figure in every gathering, striving to shine and stand out, nor should you presume that all attention and focus must be exclusively on you. Disregarding this advice is a sure path to feeling neglected in various settings, playing a pitiful role, becoming burdensome to both yourself and others, and eventually avoiding society, only to be avoided in return.
I've encountered many individuals of this type, who must always be the focal point when they aim to present themselves in a favorable light. Similarly, there are numerous people in social settings who can tolerate the company of no one they perceive as comparable to them. They exhibit excellence, nobility, greatness, usefulness, benevolence, and wit when they are the sole recipients of our discourse, requests, expectations, and hopes. However, they quickly turn petty, mean, revengeful, and weak as soon as they are required to align themselves within a group, dismantling any structure not supervised by them, including their own creation if someone else has added a small embellishment. This disposition is unfortunate and antisocial.
If your goal is to lead a happy life and contribute to the happiness of others, I would advise you, in general, to expect and demand as little as possible from this worldly existence.
So much for external decorum and good manners! I'll now add a few more words on dress. Ensure that your attire aligns with your situation and fortune—neither above nor beneath it. Avoid being overly fantastical, excessively bright, or ostentatiously extravagant. Instead, opt for cleanliness, decency, and tastefulness. If you choose a more lavish style, let your expenses contribute to solidity and elegance. Strive to strike a balance—neither sticking to outdated fashions nor blindly following every passing trend. Pay extra attention to your attire when mingling with higher social classes. Feeling improperly dressed can be distressing in company.
Above all, never wear borrowed garments, as it can have detrimental effects on your character in more ways than one.
If you're wondering whether it's better to socialize frequently or infrequently, the answer depends on your individual situation. Consider your circumstances, needs, and various factors that might make one option more advisable for you. As a general guideline, avoid intruding on people or visiting too frequently. It's preferable for friends and acquaintances to wonder why you see them so rarely rather than complain about your frequent visits. Trust your internal sense to gauge whether your presence is welcomed or if it's time to take your leave.
Additionally, be cautious about forming too many familiar connections. Choose a small circle of friends and be selective about expanding it. Over-familiarity can lead to either abuse or neglect from others. To live comfortably, it's often wise to maintain a certain degree of distance. This way, people are more likely to respect and appreciate your company. Living in larger cities can be advantageous as it allows you to interact with various people regularly. For those comfortable among strangers, this setting offers the chance to overhear valuable information and make useful observations without the constant scrutiny of familiar faces.
In all situations, I strongly advise you, for your own benefit and that of others, never to dismiss any society as entirely uninteresting or consider anyone's conversation as completely devoid of value. Always remain open to the possibility of learning something or finding material for reflection even in seemingly indifferent or mundane conversations.
Avoid the desire to always encounter profound knowledge and refined culture in every gathering. Instead, value and encourage genuine natural understanding and common sense. Provide opportunities for those possessing such qualities to express and apply them. Engage with people from diverse backgrounds and social ranks. Over time, you'll naturally develop the tone and mindset that are appropriate for different situations and circumstances.
The choice of our most frequent conversational companions depends on our individual circumstances. Ideally, if we have the option (which is often more common than we realize), it is advisable to surround ourselves with those wiser than us—individuals from whom we can glean valuable insights and who surpass us in certain aspects. However, a common tendency is to gather a circle of less accomplished minds, who orbit around us in servile compliance whenever our superior intellect chooses to wield its influence. The unfortunate outcome is that we remain stagnant, never progressing in wisdom and virtue.
Certainly, there are social situations where it's beneficial and enlightening to engage with people of varied capacities. There are times when it's not just about learning from others but also sharing knowledge with those who may benefit, even if they have no inherent right to demand it. However, this willingness to engage should never be taken to an extreme that jeopardizes the account we must one day provide for the use of our life and our duty to strive for greater perfection.
The prevailing tone in social circles can often be peculiar and tiresome, influenced by factors like prejudice, vanity, custom, and a desire to imitate. People may find themselves trapped in repetitive and tedious conversations, even with those they've known for years. Despite the discomfort, many feel obligated to endure such social situations without interruption.
In fashionable circles, true enjoyment might be experienced by only a few individuals, as others may participate in activities like card-playing without genuine interest. It becomes somewhat absurd when individuals in smaller towns or villages try to emulate the fashionable follies of the capital, bending under the cumbersome yoke of fashion. Those with influence should work to make these circles more rational.
In populous cities, individuals may live more according to their inclinations, with less observation and restraint. However, in smaller towns, one might be burdened with maintaining social accounts, making frequent visits, and engaging in conversations that revolve around news and politics. While this can be painful for those with a sense of discernment, there are gradual means of refining the tone of conversation or, failing that, adopting a sociable demeanor.
Living in villages or country estates can be comfortable, offering numerous opportunities to contribute to the well-being of the community. Social pleasures might be more challenging to find in rural areas, particularly when one's closest friends are miles away. To be content in the country, one must learn to appreciate simple pleasures, manage time wisely, and maintain variety.
Conversation in the country can become dull due to constant proximity to family members. This can be alleviated by having a collection of good books, engaging in interesting correspondence, and wisely managing time. The pleasure of meeting one's social circle after a well-spent day is unparalleled, but it's crucial to avoid constant quarreling, especially in small towns where financial independence might not be feasible. Residents of small towns should be indulgent, obliging, and prudent to prevent misunderstandings, disgust, and aversion. Caution is particularly vital in places where a narrow-minded tone prevails, as people may have little amusement and tend to meddle in the affairs of their neighbors.
In foreign countries, one must exercise extreme caution in conversations, considering various factors. It's essential not to underestimate certain relationships, whether the purpose of travel is for education, political or economic matters, or merely for leisure. When traveling for instruction, it's crucial to assess the country's nature and whether discussing certain topics may lead to danger or annoyance. In some states, governments harshly penalize those who unveil certain concealed aspects. In such cases, circumspection is necessary in conversations, inquiries, and even in choosing connections.
It's worth noting that only a few travelers have a legitimate reason to delve into the internal workings of foreign countries. Nonetheless, curiosity and a restless desire for activity drive many to gather dubious anecdotes abroad for works that might not serve the greater good. This precaution becomes doubly important when there's something to ask or transact for personal benefit in a foreign place. In such cases, the eyes of many are on us, requiring avoidance of connections with disgruntled individuals eager to cross paths with foreigners. Such individuals, dissatisfied with the government or their fellow citizens, often have damaged their reputation with imprudent conduct, yet seek to present themselves as having connections abroad. A wise foreigner may roam with these usually talkative guides for a few days without much risk. However, someone intending a more extended stay or seeking entry into refined circles should carefully choose connections, considering public opinion.
Most towns harbor a group of discontented individuals unsatisfied with either the government or the majority of their fellow citizens. It's advisable not to associate with such people or form connections among them. They tend to feel entitled to attention, are often turbulent, slanderous, malevolent, artful, immoral, and arrogant. Shunned by their fellow citizens, they create an alliance, trying to entice people of understanding and probity through flattery and other dubious means. To live comfortably, it's recommended to avoid interactions with such groups and anything that exudes a party spirit.
Since this was written in 1799 we're going to have to add text and email to this discussion!
Epistolary correspondence, or conversation through letters, aligns with many rules applicable to social conversation. However, it's essential to avoid excessive correspondence, as it serves little purpose, can be costly, and consumes time. The same caution should be exercised in choosing correspondents as in selecting daily companions. Commit to writing letters that contribute something useful or provide genuine pleasure to the recipient.
Circumspection is crucial in written communication, more so than in spoken words. Proper care of received letters is equally important, as neglecting this rule can lead to vexation, animosity, and discord. A single irrevocable word in a letter or a misplaced slip of paper has the potential to ruin peace and destroy familial happiness. Therefore, caution in letters and writing, in general, cannot be overstated. A heedless word spoken may be forgotten, but a written one can cause significant harm even after many years.
Letters of importance should be sent through regular mail for reliable delivery, avoiding reliance on travelers or third parties for reasons of economy. Reading letters in private is considered courteous, preventing the unintentional disclosure of contents through changes in facial expressions.
Some individuals, especially among women, have a habit of bombarding friends and acquaintances with notes and penny-post letters for trivial reasons. This practice is deemed improper as it infringes on the time of others who could utilize it more productively and may not have the leisure to read and respond to every frivolous message sent by idle individuals.
Always maintain a belief that individuals are not as virtuous as their friends portray them nor as wicked as depicted by their enemies. Judging people by their actions, not words, is a key principle. Choose moments of observation when they are unaware, focusing on less significant behaviors rather than major actions that are often performed with caution.
Pay attention to a person's morning demeanor, observing their preferences in food and drink, the way they walk, whether they enjoy solitude or prefer company, and various habits like interrupting conversations or being mysterious. Handwriting can also reveal aspects of character, although it's essential not to judge the entire character based on a few traits.
Collect these observations carefully, but avoid making sweeping judgments from isolated traits. Be cautious about favoring individuals who are overly courteous to you. Don't firmly rely on the love and friendship of others until they've shown affection through sacrifices. True attachment is demonstrated when individuals are willing to suppress their inclinations for the sake of our happiness.
Doing everything to please a friend when it's convenient is not a true measure of sincere concern. The genuine test lies in our willingness to prioritize their comfort even at the expense of our own preferences.
All the general and specific rules, along with many more left to the judgment of readers, aim to make conversation easy, pleasant, and enhance social life. However, some individuals might have specific reasons to disregard certain rules, and it's fair to allow everyone the liberty to pursue their happiness in their own way. No one should be compelled to conform to customs that don't align with their preferences.
For those who neither seek the favor of the great nor general applause, or fame, and who, due to their political, economic situation, or other reasons, have no need to expand their circle of acquaintances, or individuals compelled by old age or infirmity to avoid social conversation, these rules may not be applicable. It's essential to be just enough not to impose our customs on others; let each person navigate their course. The happiness of each individual depends on their own notions of it, and it would be cruel to force someone to be happy against their inclination.
It's intriguing to observe how some empty-headed individuals might actively criticize a worthy person who chooses not to conform to the prevailing tone in certain circles. Such individuals, perfectly content with their secluded existence, refuse to sacrifice their time to the whims of others. Refusing to be slaves to societal expectations might offend those idle critics who know no other occupation than moving from their beds to the looking-glass, then to dinner, the card-table, and back to bed. Yet, it's unjust to blame anyone for prioritizing duty over mere sociability. Staying at home to fulfill responsibilities is not an eccentricity.
Before I delve into the specific rules for engaging in conversation with others, I'd like to make one more observation. If I were writing exclusively or primarily for men, I might have omitted or at least modified many of the rules I'm about to present. In their place, I might have substituted others that would be less applicable to men. However, that is not the aim of this book. Providing the best guidance for regulating conduct in social life is a task best suited for experienced and wise women; it's not something a man would succeed in fully understanding. Nevertheless, if the fair sex discovers useful hints in this work that they can apply to themselves, it would bring me considerable satisfaction.
I must underscore here that women are subject to many considerations that don't apply to men. They rely more heavily on the opinion of society and must exercise greater caution and reserve in their conduct. On one hand, they may be granted more leniency than men for inadvertencies, and on the other, they may contend with more societal expectations. Their behavior tends to influence their character at an earlier stage, while boys and young men may be more careless without significantly harming themselves. Women's lives are, or at least should be, primarily focused on their domestic sphere, whereas a man is often more firmly connected to the broader social and political structure due to his position. Consequently, many virtues, vices, actions, and omissions can lead to entirely different consequences when committed by one gender compared to the other.
"The Knigge" refers to a set of social etiquette guidelines which outline how individuals should behave in social settings, according to Adolph Freiherr von Knigge (1752–1796), a German writer and philosopher who wrote "Über den Umgang mit Menschen" ("On Human Relations"), which was published in 1788 and focused on social conduct, manners, and proper behavior in various situations.
The book was intended to guide people on how to interact with others in a civilized, respectful, and considerate manner. Over time, the term "Knigge" became synonymous with rules of etiquette or "the book of manners" in German-speaking countries, and it is often referred to as a cultural reference for proper behavior.
Today, “Knigge” can be used informally to describe any set of unwritten rules that govern polite behavior, whether in formal situations or day-to-day life. In modern usage, it's less about a single book and more about the concept of social decorum.
As far as I know this is the only translation of The Knigge into English since 1799.
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